While I was reading through my Facebook feed while on the potty the other day (oh come on, you do it too), something caught my eye: one of my BFFs from elementary school had a baby boy!
As soon as I clicked over to her wall to congratulate her, I knew I was in trouble. I read all of the congratulatory comments ("Well done, guys!"), I clicked through all 3 of her maternity albums (please tell me those photos were airbrushed?!), and I oogled over each of the 368 pictures she's already posted of her son (so cute and wrinkly!).
I'd be lying if I told you I didn't feel a slight twinge in my uterus after looking at all of that stuff, but then all of my memories of those first sleep deprived weeks came rushing back, and all I could think was: SUCKA!!!!
I have no idea if all moms feel this way when someone close to them has their first child, or if this is like a rite of passage or something, but I do know that I wish at least one of my friends would've been straight up with me so I didn't feel so lonely during those middle-of-the-night feedings.
Then again, we're probably pre-programmed to keep our mouths shut so the human race doesn't die out.
But if I was to be honest with my pregnant friends (and let's face it – I won't be) about the whole experience, here's what I would tell them.
10 THINGS THAT SHOCKED ME ABOUT MOTHERHOOD
1. Childbirth is messy. When I was sitting up in my birthing bed, self-administered epidural in one hand and iPhone in the other, I remember thinking, "this isn't so bad!" I then emptied the entire contents of my stomach out of both ends in front of my husband and half a dozen nurses, and realized how horribly wrong I was.
2. Sleep deprivation is a recognized form of torture. And whomever coined the phrase "sleep like a baby" needs to be shot.
3. There's a reason men don't birth babies. As I was agonizing over how many boxes of newborn diapers I should buy before d-day, I asked my husband how many he thought babies go through in a day. Do you know what his answer was? "One."
4. Postpartum depression is real. A few of my friends suffered from postpartum depression, but as they tend to be a little on the dramatic side, my husband and I always used to joke they were using it as an excuse to hire an army of people to raise their kids while they got their hair done. You better believe we had a nice, long visit from Karma on that one.
5. Beware of gimmicks. If there's a product out there that promises to alleviate your baby's gas, help her sleep through the night, and/or allow you 5 minutes of hands-free time, chances are I bought it and my child hated it. Don't believe me? Ask my husband for our Visa statements and a tour of our storage locker.
6. Women are liars. Remember that woman who looked at you with deer-in-headlights eyes and told you her son was sleeping through the night from day one? She's a big, fat LIAR!
7. Your house will soon be overrun with plastic monstrosities. My husband and I swore up and down we would not litter our cool, urban condo with brightly colored, obnoxious toys. Less than 9 months later, we were the proud owners of an exersaucer, jumparoo, bumbo, walker, activity table, and countless other LOUD monstrosities.
8. It takes a small miracle to get out of the house. Just as soon as you get the diapers, diaper cream, wet wipes, change pad, burp clothes, pacifiers, and change of clothes packed into your diaper bag, locate your Hooter Hider, Baby Bjorn, and Moby Wrap and then pile it all into the car, your baby will decide she's hungry and it'll be at least another hour before you get out of the house.