Unsolicited Sex Advice From My Doctor

Remember last week when I told you I decided to re-pierce my belly button myself, and that I've spent the last 4 weeks cleaning, disinfecting, and inspecting it while simultaneously praying my 2-year-old will find it in her heart to stop touching that part of my body with her hands, feet, legs, knees, and elbows?

Well, all of that diligence and praying finally paid off, and the damn thing finally healed.

But then I let my guard down.

And it got infected.

Now, one thing you must know is that I'm a really responsible person when it comes to important things, like taking care of my child and husband, keeping hand sanitizer in my purse, avoiding processed foods, and changing the sheets on our bed once a week.

But when it comes to me and my body, I'm pretty negligent.

So I left it.

And left it.

And left it some more.

But then it became too painful to pick up my daughter.

And I got sad.

And I realized all of that cleaning, disinfecting, and checking wasn't getting me anywhere.

So I woke my daughter up early from her nap (you know it's bad when I do that), stuffed as many electronic toys in my purse as I could, and drove to my doctor's office.

After exchanging pleasantries with my doctor, and listening to him whine and moan about the fact that LeapPads and iPhones didn't exist when he had kids (who cares?!), this conversation happened.

Me: So, I decided to re-pierce my belly button myself.

Him: Okay.

Me: But I've been really good about cleaning, disinfecting, and checking it.

Him: That's good.

Me: And it was almost completely healed last Friday.

Him: Okay.

Me: But then something happened and now I think it's infected.

Him: Can I take a look.

Me: Sure.

Him: Yup, that's definitely infected.

Me: Shoot.

Him: Any idea what might have aggravated it?

Me: Um.


Me: Well…


Me: My husband and I were…wrestling over the weekend?

Him: Ah.


Him: Here's a prescription for an antibiotic cream. Apply it 3 times a day, and if you see no improvement, come back and we'll get you on some oral medication.

Me: Is there anything else I can do?

Him: Avoid wearing clothing that covers your belly button.

Me: Woo hoo! Bikini season!

Him: And stay out of the pool.

Me: Shoot.

Him: And when you…wrestle with your husband, make sure you're on top.

Me: Gotcha.

The good news is, the sight of me walking around with my tops tucked into my bra and my infected belly button hanging out for the last few days has made it pretty unlikely my husband will want to wrestle this weekend.

Do you have any embarrassing stories about visits to your doctor's office?

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Dated : 2021-04-05 09:23:40

Category : Funny stories

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